Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
