I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
