sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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