Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
