I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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