You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
