My Higher Power is John Stamos
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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