If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
