He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
