I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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