I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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