did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
