she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
