I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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