I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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