it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
