My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
