I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize