who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
