Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
