Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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