If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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