Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
