Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
