Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
