while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
