I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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