I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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