New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
