Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
