We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
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He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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