I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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