I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
