Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
