she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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