then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
