I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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