i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake