My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity