masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
