are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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