Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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