Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
