I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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