i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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