my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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