Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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