just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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