cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
