watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
