I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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