Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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