I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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