??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
