new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
