I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
