He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wish there were birth control emojis
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
