I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
