your parents love me but you hate me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
